


Wasted in Vegas with Wonder Woman

by Electrickittenshark



Category: The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: Action/Adventure, Comedy, Drunken Shenanigans, F/F, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-03
Updated: 2018-04-03
Packaged: 2019-04-17 22:51:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,285
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14199366
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Electrickittenshark/pseuds/Electrickittenshark
Summary: There is a burning question a lot of Elongated Man fans and Flash viewers have asked many times, which is: Where the hell was Ralph Dibny during the big cross-over? Why didn't he show up when Central City was being invaded by alternate dimension Nazi's? Was he really taking care of his goldfish?The short answer is: No.The longer answer is: Ralph decides to look for love in all the wrong places and ends up getting completely wasted in Vegas. Luckily for him, he finds himself caught in the middle of a fight between a crazy cat lady with magical powers and an Amazonian warrior princess with a lasso that also doubles as a nifty lie-detector.All of this takes place at the same as Crisis on Earth X.





	Wasted in Vegas with Wonder Woman

After hours of training at Star Labs, Barry and Iris are going through the schedule one more time, the week before the wedding. Ralph stretches into the room and taps Barry on the shoulder.

 **Ralph:** So…when do I get my wedding invite?

 **Barry:** What?

 **Ralph:** **( _Wiggles his nose_ )** Based on my fabulous detective skills I’m guessing that you forgot to send my invite, right?

 **Iris:** No. You aren’t invited, Ralph.

 **Ralph:** Oh.

 **Barry:** Look man, just don't take it personally okay?

 **Iris:** Yeah, you kinda messed up the bachelor party and everything went off the rails there. We just want a normal and pleasant wedding, okay?

 **Ralph** : **( _Looks hurt_ )** You know what, fine! Don't invite me to your sappy and boring wedding. I didn't want to go anyways. I’m going to have a wild time, without y’all.

Barry rolls his eyes and lets out an exasperated sigh.

 **Ralph:** But can you know, maybe save some of the wedding cake for me? You could even give me some of the left-over shrimp and booze. Please. It’d be really nice.

 **Barry:** Fine.

Ralph huffs and puffs as he walks out of Star Labs. He is tired of feeling like the outsider and butt-monkey of the group. He is honest to god trying to be friends with these people but he can tell that they are barely managing to tolerate him. He never gets invited to any of their hang outs. They just look at him in disgust when he tries to show off his frankly speaking, awesome superpowers. They didn't ask for his help with investigating Devoe even though he is a fabulous P.I.

Ralph rants internally, ‘ _What the hell was Barry thinking? What kind of rookie breaks into a person’s house to collect evidence without wearing a mask and checking for cameras? That’s like stalking 101. I would have stretched my arm in quickly and discretely collected everything. Why hasn't anyone done in depth off the books, digging into Devoe’s finances? If Devoe is making all of this tech, then he must be spending mad cash. Shit, maybe he is even getting some of the tech and metas from Amunet. Did anyone even go through his garbage, because I would totally have done that. I mean, I go through everyone’s garbage, but that’s not the point. Why do they automatically assume that I’m an idiot? I was one of the best detectives at CCPD. Well I use to be the best detective, now I just bust cheating spouses…maybe Ralph Dibny, Private Detective isn't that useful to them.’_

 

Ralph manages to coax Earl into giving him a ride to Vegas, although he has no idea how he'll get back. He stretches his mouth until it's the size of a trash compactor and starts pouring multiple bottles of Gingold in at once.

 **Ralph:** Hell yeah, I got drunk in record time. WOOOOOOO!

Ralph’s adventure in Vegas starts out tame. You know the usual: strippers, cheating at poker with your stretchy hands, eating all of the shrimp, pranking people by pretending to melt into puddle of silly putty when they bump into you, getting even more wasted and trying to pick up chicks by telling them that you can literally elongate your dick until it’s the size of the Eiffel Tower. You know, that kind of stuff. He ends up singing an incoherent and atonal version of **_Queen’s Somebody to love_** at Karaoke Night. 

Then something magical happens that night. Ralph finally sees—the one. When he spots the beautiful chocolate mud cake, he knows that he has finally found his soul mate. He stretches his arm and quickly grabs the cake. He lovingly gazes at the cake before he passionately gobbles it up. Their romance is cut short, when someone bumps into him and his face is smashed into the cake. He starts crying dramatically and falls to his knees. 

 **Ralph:** NOOOOOOOOOOOO! Our love was **_so_** beautiful…. Why have you forsaken me? 

He looks up and spots a woman who looks like a Greek Goddess with her well defined cheekbones, beautiful piercing blue eyes, black hair and a muscular physique.

 **Ralph:** Why, hello there… 

 **Woman** : Hello, I’m Diana Prince. Have you seen someone who looks like a cross between a cheetah and a woman? 

 **Ralph** : What the hell? Oh shit, did I accidently do LSD?

Diana pulls him aside. Based on how the fabric is hugging her skin Ralph can tell that she is wearing some kind of armor under her dress. He spots some kind of golden fibers on her dress, like fibers from a rope or something.

 **Diana:** **( _Whispers_ )** I’m actually an Amazonian princess from Themyscira.

 **Ralph:** Is this supposed to be a scam, lady? ‘Cause I’m broke. I don't even have a wallet.

 **Diana:** I’m what do you call it…uh superhero. Yes, like the crimson man who has the speed of Hermes. I’m Wonder Woman. 

 **Ralph:** **( _Gasps really loudly_ )** Oh. My. GOOOOOOOOOOD! I’m a superhero too! Yeah, my name…my name is, what is my name, again? Shit, I don't have a cool superhero name yet. Dammit CISCO!

At this point, Diana realizes that she is dealing with an incredibly drunk man who won't be of any use to her in his current state and she will probably have better luck finding Cheetah on her own. Ralph drunkenly stumbles back to his motel room and he spots a woman in a long coat with long blonde hair.

 

 **Ralph:** Why, hello there…

The woman turns around and growls at him. Her coat falls to the ground and she starts sniffing him. Ralph gapes at the cat lady with golden spotted fur, cat ears, a tail and whiskers. This is the point where he starts wondering if he has had one too many. 

 **Ralph:** Well, I’m not a furry or anything like that, but you’re cute. Wanna, you know, Netflix and Chill?

Cheetah picks him up by his hand and slams him into a wall. She slashes him with her claws but her claws get stuck in Ralph’s chest. She tries to tear her way out, but his stretchy skin won’t stop clinging.

 **Ralph:** You’re tearing me apart, Cheetah! 

 **Diana:** Barbara!

Diana immediately takes her dress off and puts her tiara on. She whips out her lasso of truth and pulls Cheetah by the leg. Ralph stares at her in awe, in her red, gold and blue costume, adorned with shimmering white stars. However, he isn’t just going to sit there and watch, for you see it is finally his time to shine. 

 **Ralph:** You can't escape the superhero slinky! 

Ralph places his arms against both sides of the hallways and tries to fling himself at Cheetah. SPLAT! He ends up being splattered against the wall instead and Diana has to peel him off. She makes him sit down in a corner. 

 **Wonder Woman:** ( ** _Speaks sternly_** ) Stay here. You are too drunk to fight right now. **( _Hands him a juice box_** ) Also, drink this and stay hydrated. 

 **Ralph** : What if I have to pee?

 **Wonder Woman:** Just stretch your…um your thing, okay. **( _Smiles)_** I can take care of things. Okay?

Wonder woman ties his hand to a door and pats him on the head. She spots Cheetah escaping and nonchalantly throws her tiara at Cheetah’s leg. Cheetah pounces at Diana and viciously strikes her with her claws, but Diana deflects her with her magical bracelets. Cheetah and Wonder Woman start moving at the speed of sound as they exchange brutal kicks and punches. Cheetah tries to grab Diana by the neck, but Wonder Woman head-butts her and tosses her into a wall. 

 **Ralph** : WOOOOO! **( _Starts singing_ ) **WONDER WOMAN! WONDER WOMAN! All the world's waiting for you or something like that and all of your cool powers. Mmmm yeah. Stop a bullet like a badass! WONDER WOMAN! WONDER WOMAN! 

Ralph throws up at a corner and gives Diana a thumbs-up. Cheetah starts crawling all over the walls and starts roaring. Diana hits Cheetah with her tiara in order to distract her while she quickly lassos her legs. She pulls Cheetah towards her and in one swift move she takes out the chains crafted by Hephaestus and shackles Cheetah. Cheetah’s god-gifted magical powers vanish and she reverts back to being a normal woman. Diana solemnly looks at her old friend in dismay as she wonders how she can connect with Barbara again.

 **Wonder Woman:** Barbara please, let me help you. I know that the power is addictive and it’s corrupted because of your broken soul.

 **Barbara:** You don't know anything about the hell I have been through! **( _Crie_ s)** I hate you…I just hate you.

 **Wonder Woman:** Well, love can exist with hatred, each preying on the other. I know about the experiments A.R.G.U.S. did on you and I know about what happened to your mother. **( _Speaks softly_ )** You told me, remember? After we watched that movie with the professor in the hat who went into bizarre caves with traps. Don't you remember Barbara? I can’t imagine the pain, frustration and sorrow you feel, but don’t let those monsters define you and your capacity to love others. Please, let me help you.

Barbara weeps silently as Diana hugs her and gently strokes her hair. Barbara agrees to go to Themyscira for her recovery when Hermes appears to take her there. Diana decides to check up on a crestfallen and tired Ralph, after changing back.

 **Ralph** : Hey, it was not nice to tie me up like that, lady! I could have totally won the fight in t-two seconds. 

A frustrated and tired Diana puts the lasso of truth around Ralph’s hand.

 **Diana:** For the love of Hera, what is wrong with you?

At this point a completely wasted Ralph starts out by laughing at himself but he ends up crying after five minutes. His face starts falling apart as he falls to the ground.

 **Ralph:** **_(Cries)_** God, I’m so alone. I’m so tired of strippers and getting drunk. I wish I had what Barry and Iris have. I just want someone I can do weird and stupid stuff with, you know? But what woman would be bat-shit crazy enough to love **_me_** of all people, right? Right? I mean, I’m just the stretchy weirdo that nobody likes.

He passes out as Diana sympathetically looks at him while patting his head. She can tell that Ralph Dibny, is a very lonely man who is just longing for somebody to love. She books him a nice hotel room and leaves him there, with aspirin, snacks and a note. Ralph wakes up in his room and smiles when he spots Diana’s note. 

The note reads:

**_Dear Ralph,_ **

**_I’m sure that deep down inside you are a good man but, being a desperate, selfish and entitled child will drive people away. Just focus on taking care of yourself. Exercise more, get drunk less often and cut down on the junk food. Be the best man and superhero you can be. Maybe someday, you will find your own Wonder Woman who will go on wonderful adventures with you._ **

**_Also, stop being a sleazy chauvinist. It isn’t very nice._ **

**_Sincerely,_ **

**_Diana._ **

Ralph hears his phone pinging and spot the sixteen missed calls. Cisco’s texts read: 

**_Dude, you need to come back to Central City. ASAP._ **

**_Threat level 11. We need every hero we can find._ **

**_Holy shit! Central City is being invaded by Alternate Dimension Nazis_**.

**_You have to come back!_ **

**_Where the hell are you?_ **

**_Ya know, we could use a guy who can deflect bullets, right now_**!

 **Ralph:** The hell? **_(Tosses his phone to the other side of the room)_**. I’m too hangover to deal with this shit.

 

After a good night’s sleep Ralph finally manages to hitch a ride back to Central City and he is thoroughly disappointed when he finds out that he missed the chance to kick Nazi ass.

 **Ralph** : Aww…. I always wanted to fight Nazis! 

 **Cisco:** **_(Speaks sarcastically)_** Well, maybe you should have picked up your damn phone and come back to Central City.

 **Ralph** : Well, in my defense I was drunk.

 **Barry:** Ralph, what happens when you’re drunk during another crisis? As a superhero, you gotta stay alert all of the time. 

 **Ralph** : Yup. Got it.

Ralph jots down Barry’s boring, but important superhero lectures in his little note-pad. Meanwhile Caitlin glares and Cisco, signaling him to ask Ralph to join them for drinks. Cisco drags his feet when it comes to interacting with Ralph. Dibny is the same guy who bashed his suit making skills and called out Caitlin’s measurements like a creepy pervert. But, Caitlin is like the sweet mom who forces Cisco to hang with the one snotty and weird kid that nobody likes. Cisco realizes that Ralph is technically a part of the team and alienating him may not work in the long run.

 **Cisco:** You wanna…um…hang out or something? Caitlin, Harry and I are thinking about going out for drinks.

 **Ralph:** Hell Yeah! **( _Smiles gleefully_ )** I know a place by the way and no, it’s not a strip club.!

Ralph happily heads out with Team Flash. He thinks, ‘ _Hey, I guess it is kinda nice not spending another night alone at the office_ ’. He smiles when he remembers Diana’s advice and he takes her words to heart. It may take a lot of time to act on everything she suggested, but he really wants to fix himself. He hopes that he can be a superhero worth looking up to like Diana is and maybe, just maybe he can find his partner in crime someday.

 

* * *

**How Ralph sees himself during Karaoke Night:**

 

**Author's Note:**

> The writers and the actors haven't really provided a solid explanation for what happened with Ralph so I came up with my own crazy headcanon. Cheetah and Themsycaria have been mentioned in Arrow and Legends of Tomorrow, so I decided to include a Wonder Woman storyline in this fic. Plus she is the perfect character to call Ralph out on his sleazy behavior. I noticed that Ralph's sleaziness drops drastically between Season 4 episode 6 and Season 4 episode 9, so I wanted to write a fic to fill in the gaps. The show and Ralph's character keep joking about how nobody likes him and how he is kind of alone. I think his loneliness explains, but does not justify some of his attention-seeking and selfish tendencies. So I wanted to explore how Ralph feels about being treated the way he is by Team Flash before Elongated Knight Rises.


End file.
